Thursday, May 11, 2006

A noble but flawed experiment

As an experiment, and an antidote to the fact that I don't really have a clue who all these definite article-fixated NME bands are anymore, this morning I thought I'd stick on E4 for a bit; until I became a Club NME regular with XFM's phone number tatooed onto my soul and Conor McTwat's photo on my wall, or I got absolutely sick of it, whichever came first (can you guess which it was?).

The Automatic - Monster: like the Kaiser Chiefs only much, much worse. "What's that, coming over the hill, is it a monster?" No, it's a band with literally no talent at all.
The Zutons - Valerie: bloated, too much slap-bass, in a flatulent, stuttering, Chilli Peppers kind of way (i.e. the worst kind of way) - the faux-funk bits are horrible. Would make an acceptable Dodgy b-side, which is hardly a ringing endorsement. Especially since they're supposed to be spearheading a 'British rock renaissance'. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
The Streets - Never Went to Church: My perpetually mixed feelings about Mike Skinner lean towards the positive side on this one. It's a horribly upsetting song about his Dad being dead, but this is a great intro statement: "Two great European narcotics - alcohol and Christianity. I know which one I prefer.".
The Feeling - Fill My Little World. More jocular bouncey post-Kaiser flimsiness. I mean really flimsy. Really jocular. I can't stand overly serious music, but when did everyone in the world start mainlining wacky pills? The singer can modulate his voice in a very slight and distant imitation of a vocoder, which is diverting like a fly stuck on the wrong side of the window is diverting; this, it need hardly be said, doth not a great band make.
Shakira - Hips Don't Lie: Thank fuck for this. Not even an especially good Shakira single, but she's singing on it, so it's already a million times better than a million songs by The Feeling. Her hips don't lie, you know.

It's time to go out on a high note. By turning E4 off.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you should spend the rest of the day listening to Xfm, reading the NME, and recording your deteriorating mental state for the amusement of your readership.

"Hour 5: Having now heard the new Snow Patrol single for the 28th time, I have taken extreme measures and started burrowing a sharp pencil into my bleeding eardrums. The Xfm news is on. I now have it on good authority that Jack White has broken a fingernail and Pete Doherty hurt his knee while attempting to inject crack into his eyeball"

10:44 AM  
Blogger John said...

The automatic are awful. The Zutons and the Coral came out of the same "scene" apparently, and i once read that the Zutons have now taken over the mantle as lovable offbeat scousers. Pah! The Coral were a wonderful fusion of sea shanty, folk and indie and wrote GOOD SONGS. The Zutons as far as one can tell are woeful and have never made any good music. The Feeling are supposed to be spearheading a return to the days of stadium feelgood music, and loads of lamo articles lumped them in with the whole songs Guilty Pleasures thing: how can we consider this a revival when goddamn Keane were two years ago, and Starsailor and Colday six years ago. Same with Orson: they're just Maroon Motherfuckin Five all over again. On a similar tip, that fucking Kooks song drives me crazy and I'm insulted that they're named after a song of Hunky Dory, which is proper whimsy. Thank god its now summer and I can alternate between Radio 4 LW (the dulcet tones of CMJ are back back back) and Talksport as my listening pleasures: I'm an indie kid but I HATE virtually all the bands that they play on what should be my radio stations of choice.

I like the streets song but it just reminds me of how disappointing the new album is: he's pretty much done I reckon.

10:53 AM  
Blogger Big_Dog said...

It used to be 'The Strokes' fault when it wasn't too bad, but now it's The Pete Docherty's fault and things are looking pretty grim.

I wonder how veteran American miserabilists 'The The' feel about this? I might email them and ask.

I must admit I quite like the new Snow Patrol single.

1:38 PM  
Blogger John said...

The whole album is quite good, which would be to my chagrin if I had not renounced snobbery and embraced feelgood anthems.

3:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ah, sweet sweet snobbery...

keeping me interested in music since 1998.

"Hour 9: It is now all I can do to continue typing this report. I have long since lost the will to live and have been sitting in a puddle of my own urine, blood and vomit - wondering when it was that my faith in humanity died. Maximo Park are playing now. My speakers sound like they're in pain. I think this one's started to grow on me. I cry uncontrollably into the keyboard."

4:11 PM  
Blogger Alex Bok Bok said...

how does one inject crack?

11:06 PM  
Blogger dan hancox said...

ask pete doherty innit. it sounds from tom's bulletin like he failed anyway..

11:51 PM  
Blogger John said...

You can chip or crush crack innit, so you could feasibly attempt to crush it into a powder, dissolve it in water over a low flame and then suck it into a hypodermic syringe and inject it via a needle.

7:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Hour 28: According to another Xfm news bulletin, Doherty has now smoked 15 whole heroins and is stuffing marijuana suppositories up his anus. The Rakes have just started playing. I'm not a religious man, but I'm praying for a sudden, painless death"

10:08 AM  
Blogger Big_Dog said...

*drinks a cup of Ecstasy*

*Smiles and gives thumbs up*

12:21 PM  
Blogger John said...

Hour 35 "The NME this week is all about Terris, who are the undoubted star of the futures who everyone will definitely still remember in six years. Definitely."

2:31 PM  
Blogger Alex Bok Bok said...

are you mad blud its all about the vapours why you wanna go waste that

3:56 PM  
Blogger dan hancox said...

since everyone seems to be playing the 'let's be unnecessarily pedantic about how you take drugs that we've never even seen in real life' game, how come no-one picked me up on the phrase "mainlining wacky pills". you can't mainline a pill for fuck's sake.

oops i just merked myself.

11:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the lead singer of hard-fi stole all my wacky pills.

12:26 PM  

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