Fontainebleau-dried

I wrote this for The Guardian's 'Short Cuts' section in the space of about 45 minutes, but they didn't want it. So I thought I may as well do something with it...

In the days before X-Box 360s and Pro Evolution Soccer 5, the most invigorating computer gaming experience you could hope for involved typing ultra-simplistic instructions like ‘walk forward’ or ‘pick up box’ only to be told, invariably, ‘this command has not been recognised’. This interactive ‘text-gaming’ thrived in the 1980s, when personal computers could store about as much data as a single digital photograph, and gamers managed without the 3D graphics, dance-mats, and ‘ultra-realistic death scenes’ that are borderline-mandatory today.

Last week Wired News reported that lost text classics like ‘Zork’ and ‘Adventure’ are to be given a reappraisal by American film-maker Jason Scott in a new documentary called ‘Get Lamp’. Scott is hoping to save a pivotal chapter in the development of computer games from being lost to the recycle bin of history. But is it really worth saving? Most of my childhood memories of these games are of scenes like this:

Computer: you awake on the floor with a nasty headache. You are in a dimly lit room in an early-modern French castle. There is a painting on the far wall. On your left-hand side is a door. On your right-hand side is a table. In the distance you can hear screaming. The faint aroma of burning flesh drifts through an open window. You could do with a haircut.
Dan: ‘stand up’
C: you stand up.
D: ‘walk forward’
C: you walk forward. You are now standing in front of the painting.
D: ‘look at painting’
C: the painting is a religious homage to an obscure Saint, possibly from the Fontainebleau School. It is very valuable. It would be worth a lot of money on the black market. Maybe you could steal it, sell it on, and use the money for a haircut.
D: ‘steal painting’
C: I do not understand ‘steal’
D: ‘nick painting’
C: I do not understand ‘nick’
D: ‘half-inch painting’
C: I do not understand ‘half inch’
D: ‘take painting’
C: you cannot take the painting. That would be stealing, and stealing is wrong. Didn’t your mother tell you that? In any case it is attached with iron chains to the wall. You would need a blowtorch to remove it from the wall.
D: ‘look for blowtorch’
C: a blowtorch?! This is early-modern France! Weren’t you listening at the beginning?
D: ‘spit on painting’
C: I do not understand ‘spit on’
D: ‘punch painting’
C: I do not understand ‘punch’
D: ‘kick painting, urinate on painting, defecate on painting, look askance at painting, give painting a negative write-up in the Tate gallery’s official magazine’
C: no-one likes a philistine. Especially one who so obviously needs a haircut.

What I didn't mention in the article was that the guy's previous film was a five-and-a-half hour long documentary about message boards. I'm serious. Sounds fucking thrilling.

Did anyone ever play a game called Fish!? It was kick-ass. You had to fight against a group of gill-ed gangsters called the Seven Deadly Fins. They don't make 'em like that anymore, which is probably for the best. I've got soup to make you know.